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lyrics

The Criminal

“Off with his head! Off with his head!”
Said the queen but the prince said “Why not reconsider?
Don’t forget he still owes us some bread
Why not get the money now and kill him later?”

“Hey” said the queen, “that’s a good idea
“Take him down to the dungeon and torture him till he starts talkin’”
“Alright” said the prince, “well, I guess I’ll see ya”
Said to the criminal: “Come on, big boy, let’s start walkin’”

They went down to the dungeon where they saw Joe
“Hey Joe, are you busy?” “Well, yes I guess you could say so
This torturin’ is big business you know
And I never dreamed that it could pay so.”

“Fair enough well here’s another customer,” said the prince
“Work him over and we’ll see what he shows us.”
“Just the usual?” asked Joe. “Yeah, within an inch!
We gotta get the lowdown on some money that he owes us”

Just then the criminal spoke up and said “It’s the queen –
I gave the money to her though she told me not to say it to ya
Why don’t you go and ask her if she knows what I mean?
Who knows – maybe she’ll even pay it to ya.”

“Alright” said the prince, “I’ll take your word although I hate it
But if I find you’ve been lyin’ you’re gonna get it worse, I warn ya”
He ran up to the queen’s chambers but found they were vacated
She’d run off with her husband’s brother to California

The prince ran back to the dungeon spitting with his rage,
Looked around in vain to find the man who upset him so
“Where’d he go?” he said to Joe, “How’d he escape from the cage?”
“He didn’t escape,” said Joe “I let him go.

“Come to think of it I’m not too happy ‘bout all this torturing you’ve made me do
With no pension plan for all these years
You’ve taken advantage of me,” said Joe as he looked down at his shoes
“You’ve never paid attention to my tears.”

“Oh come now, Joe,” said the prince “there’s no need to get riled
You won’t get a notion to torture me now will ya?”
“I’m not gonna torture you,” Joe told him with a smile:
“I’m gonna torture you, I’m gonna kill ya.”

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from Can A Poor Man Get A Fair Trial?, released November 23, 2021

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Kyp Harness Toronto, Ontario

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